New Address

I'm trying to make it easier for my friends to check up on me. My new blog is at http://www.efacker.com. Please go there from now on. Easier on you and me both. :-)

Touching My Heart

I received a wonderful message from an old friend of mine today. He said he and a lot of the other drivers out there were worried about me and praying for me. He also said he was going to send a link to this page to some of my old friends so they could keep an eye on me too. Drag Racer, you don't know how much I appreciate this and how good it makes me feel knowing that you and the others are concerned about me. It is very touching to know that I have more friends out there than I realized. Thank you so much for being my friend.

Blessings

It has become difficult, if not impossible, for me to sleep more than a couple hours at a time anymore so I'm up at this crazy hour just thinking about things. That can be dangerous sometimes, but it can also be very liberating. I've had this time to consider my blessings and they are many. One of the most rewarding blessings has been my granddaughter Gracie. She is such a beautiful little girl, inside and out. I've watched her grow through adversity that would crush the soul of most people yet she has somehow managed to grow stronger through it. She's been through the divorce of her parents, the loss of a sister to Down Syndrome and now she's going to loose her grandpa. She's only 9 but has the understanding of someone 3 times her age. She used to jump on me when she'd greet me but now she simply gives me a big hug and tells me she loves me so she won't hurt my stomach. It breaks my heart but at the same time makes me love her so much more for being so considerate and understanding, without even being told. Somehow, she just understands. I thank God daily for bringing us such a gift. I pray God will comfort her when I'm gone and give her the strength to carry on. She is my little sweetheart.

Time is short

I'm afraid my time is growing short. I can feel the cancer getting larger in my lower liver section. This, however, is not a time for mourning but a time for rejoicing. No longer will I be burdened with the daily grind, the out of control society, the hatred and anger her on earth, but I'll be in the hands of the Lord where it is peaceful, loving and perfect. Oh how wonderful this will be! I'll do my best to stick around here as long as I can to help comfort the wife and children, but I've gotten to the point that I'm almost anxious to welcome death as sweet relief and a joyous beginning.

I Corinthians 15:54-57:
54 Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die,this Scripture will be fulfilled:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.
55 O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?”

56 For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. 57 But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Calming down a little

Well I'm calming down a little after figuring out that the medication just needed to be adjusted a little to help deal with the sickness after treatment. We'll find out in a couple weeks if the new treatment is doing any good or not. The prognosis is not good but if it gives me a few more months with my family, it'll be worth it.

Is it worth it?

I'm beginning to understand why a lot of folks refuse chemotherapy. I was just starting to feel a little better and then this morning woke up with my stomach feeling like there were two forces doing battle in there. I don't know if it's going to be worth gaining a few months of life if I have to be sick all the time. I'm just pondering and praying about it. What would God have me do? Do I hang onto life at all costs or just let Him do whatever it is He's going to do? I'm not sure I have the answer to this one. I know my wife wants me to fight it for all I'm worth but I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. At some point we just have to say "that's enough" and let God take it I think. But just when and where is that point? Man.. I need to do a lot more praying and see if He'll give me the answer.

Hope I'm not bringing anyone down. I'm just SO tired of the battle. Even the best generals have to retreat sometimes. Just trying to figure out when that time might be.

Sheesh..

I'm feeling a little better today. Man yesterday was tough. About all I did was sleep and then slept almost 9 hours last night. I guess maybe that's a good thing though. If this follows the same pattern as last time I should start feeling better by next week. Oh well, that's the way it goes. Nothing much more to add, just had to vent a little.

Kicking Hard

Man, I hope this stuff is kicking the cancer as hard as it is kicking me. I feel like I've been run over by a Kenworth. ( My loyalty to my profession prevented me from saying 'freight train' Ha! ) This wasn't unexpected though. Same thing happened last time. After the treatments I felt like this for about 4 or 5 days and then started to get it back together just in time to get zapped again. Oh well, If I can endure this every three weeks and it gives me more time with Momma and the kids and grandkids it'll be worth it.

God has certainly blessed me in that regard. I know every grandparent thinks their grandkids are the most special in the world, and they're right! So therefore mine are the most special in MY world. Seriously, I enjoy them so much.. except when Kinsley says "Uh oh.. poo poo". That's when I hand her off to Grandma. Ha! Never was much for that kind of stuff. Gracie is growing so fast it scares me. She's 9 now and is slowly turning into a young lady. With the way things are out there in todays world, that's scary! I pray God will watch over her and give her the common sense I lacked when I was her age. Zachary just wants to tear everything apart and see how fast he can break stuff. You'd think he was a six year old boy. Oh wait, he is! Ha! He's pretty big for his age and sometimes it's hard for me to remember that he's only six.

Ok, enough rambling. I'll be back when I have something more to share. God bless you all and thank you for the continued prayers and encouragement.

My Last Shot?

Well the last round of chemotherapy didn't work, so we're trying something new. This new type of chemo shows some promise, but unfortunately it has a number of side-effects. It's not a cure but tests have shown that it can add a few months of quality time to a cancer patients life so we're going to give it a shot. The key word here is "quality". If it turns out that it makes me sick all the time or has some major side effects, I will probably refuse further treatment. That may sound like I'd be giving up, but that's not the case. As I said before, I want to spend as much quality time as I can with my family and being sick all the time is not my idea of quality time. I'd rather have 3 good months than 5 or 6 lousy ones. Does that make sense? Perhaps not, but that's the way I see it. We'll just have to wait and see what happens I guess.

Whatever happens, I've sure learned a lot from all this. Most of the things I used to think were major events just don't seem very important anymore. The only things that really matter to me now are God, family and good friends, in that order. I've also discovered that people that I thought were my friends really aren't and my real friends are people I'd never have suspected even cared. It's strange how people you think care really don't and some folks you didn't even thing cared really do. God is sure opening my eyes to all these little tidbits. Hard to think of cancer being a blessing, but in some ways it is. It sure has taught me a lot about love and caring and how I should be treating other people. We are all God's children, so if you disrespect one of His children, you're also disrespecting Him. Faith, hope and love are three of the greatest gifts He's given us, and the greatest of these is LOVE! Pretty simple but so hard to practice.

Here we go again..

Well, the cancer is spreading. It's in my liver now. I'll be starting radiation soon and have already began chemotherapy. From everything I've read this is just an attempt to gain some extra time, but life is a precious gift and I'll do whatever I can to spend some more time with my family. As I've said many times before, death does not scare me. God is waiting for me and it will be a glorious beginning. I'm just a little sad that my wife of almost 39 years will have to face the future without me to comfort and protect here. I love her so much it's not even worth trying to describe here because there are no adequate words. I simply thank God every day for bringing us together. What a gal.

I've decided to come back to this format simply because there is not enough space on facebook or twitter to describe how I'm feeling sometimes. I've been a bit overwhelmed with the outpouring of support from unexpected sources. There are those that claim to be your friends but disappear when thing get rough, but the surprising part is how many people have stepped up to the plate that I didn't think even knew I existed. I suppose that's where the "do not judge" verse applies. You may think you know someone when you really don't. Only God can see into their heart and know what their true feelings are. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings so I'm not going to throw names out here, but to those of you who have supported me, you have my heart felt thanks and gratitude. May God bless you and keep you safe.